sometimes I just wanna ask God...why? wat did my mom do to deserve tis? Why won't you give me a chance to show her how much I love and cherish her? I've seen ppl lose their family members...only in movies...i have nvr even imagined anything like this wud happen to me...everything just happened too soon...just whn I started to reach the point where I cn finally CONNECT wif my mom and share everything wif her...she was gone...
Its impossible to not think abt it...she's my life...she gave me life...she'll be in my mind all the time...i will always remember the feeling whn I was waken by the sound of the beeping machine in the hospital...and the sound of the nurses running in and out...I actually felt NOTHING...i guess my heart just stopped...i was still holding her hand...the only relief I felt tat day was tat she didn't have to suffer anymore...and she went so peacefully it didn't even wake me sleeping beside her...
I only regret tat I havent spent much time to connect wif her....seeing other peoples posts and pics about their mom...Im actually so freakin jealous! I have let go alot of the pass compared to before...maybe this is the only thing I will never be able to let go...
I do miss my grandma alot too...but I'm quite okay with it...since its something we cnt change...afterall, I do think its time for her to rest...I can imagine how she felt...when she saw her own daughter falling more and more ill day by day...they were so optimistic the first few months...my mom even said tat wait till she recoverd we would go to the park together every weekend...and we would change our lifestyle for the better...
i know my dad is in pain too...and I know he doesnt know how to express his feelings...but Im really trying so hard to express my feelings to them...let them know what situation im in...sometimes I just wish they wud try a little bit harder to communicate too...i just don't know how to communicate wif them anymore...i understand guys and gals are totally different in settling their feelings...but just once I wish we wud all be thinking in the same page...and let each one of us know wat we're really thinking...
can you believe it? this is the ONLY ONE pic we have as a whole family...i know my mom is a vry family-oriented person too...i rmb her telling me tat someday she wanted to get a pic of our whole family wif her in her wedding dress...but I just think my dad is too practical to think of these things...its actually my dream too...to have a nice family portrait...even now if my mom and grandma were not in it...i'll still appreciate it so much if my dad wud just put a little effort and time in doing this...
i know tat my dad's personality is actually abit similar as mine...its just tat so many things happened and i think he just cuts off everything...i know my dad needs love too...i know sometimes he himself finds it hard to deal with his own feelings...so he just chose to dun care about everything...
i guess my bros the same too...i just really really hope ONE DAY...we could all open up completely to each otr...have a heart-to-heart talk...afterall, who is there left for us to open up to? we're the only ones left...everytime I try to tell them my feelings, they either cut me off....or say something negative about me...i know sometimes they don't mean it...but im a really sensitive person...i really do mind about how ppl think of me...moreover they are the ppl i love and care about most in the whole wide world...of course the effect would be deeper...nowadays i just learn to let go of it...the more i learn to let go, the more freedom I'll get...
so many old memories in my head...I don't remember exactly everything very clearly....I just remembered the feeling...if i could go back in time...I wouldnt waste half of my lifetime on irrelavant ppl...I used to live for other ppl...bt now only my family has the power to control me...I will NOT be controlled by other ppl ever again! as long as I feel I treated everything everyone right...its enuff....
ha! everytime I write about these I will cry non-stop...bt its okay...the more I reach the end the less tears I have...so by the time I reached tis sentence, my tears have all gone :)) writing my blog and talking to myself has really helped me alot...im sometimes quite proud of myself whn I thk tat i no longer need to rely on anyone anymore :))
I really really really miss you mum...婆婆我也很想你...Happy mothers day, 母情节快乐 :))
Love you, 爱你♥
